The Grandslam #58 Dec09/Jan10

THE GRANDSLAM

SRC BRIDGE SECTION NEWSLETTER

                                    December 2009/January 2010 ISSUE #58

                               (Victor Mollo’s Special Jokes Issue)

1. Message from the Convenor – Shamim Moledina

Often overlooked when we have our special tournaments are the people who work behind the scenes. I walked in early at our pair’s event and saw Carl standing quietly sharpening pencils. When Zain requested him to do the crossword this time, he readily accepted the challenge. Then there is BK with his ever ready camera and Pat and Dot always willing and eager to resolve the many last minute things that have to done. One phone call to Florence and she was there to do the scoring. These members and so many others I have left out form the backbone of our section. And of course our hard working F & B group who arranges our layout and food and the PR department who do the logistics. Thank you all.

2. SRC 10^th Annual Open Pairs – the Moledina Trophy – Nov 15

Our 10^th anniversary tournament could well be called a tournament of many firsts. We had a record 9 pairs comprising of 1 or 2 SRC members which also swept the top 3 positions and also 5 of the top 7! What a great way to celebrate our first decade! It was also the first time our traditional bridge Crossword Puzzle was superbly developed by Carlton Parker and for the first time we had a repeat winner – Trevor Li. Yet another first was the formation of an Appeals Committee comprised of 3 Certified Directors – Karol Crouse, Carlton Parker and Zain Moledina -- to ensure that the tournament complies to the highest of standards. What was not new was the tournament format of 36 boards Howell Movement which ensured that every pair played against every other except one.

The tournament went off smoothly under the calm, cool and able directorship of Howard Haythornthwaite with Florence Tan as the scorer.

Convenor Shamim Moledina in her opening address thanked the SRC Management Committee for their unwavering support over past decade and well as the bridge committee, section members and regular supporters. This year in particular, Steven Chew arranged door gifts for everyone from food supplier QBB. Social Chairman Richard Yong who has always solidly supported the Bridge Section kindly consented to give away the prizes.

1^st Dorothy Wong (SRC) & Ron Savage 

2^nd Zain Moledina (SRC) & Dr. Trevor Li
3^rd Shamim Moledina (SRC) & Prof Yu Chun Yee (SRC) 1^st in SRC Section 

4^th Dr Thomas Wong & Prof C C Chen  

5^th R Perumal & KG Srinivasan
6^th Pat Leong (SRC) & N W Leong (SRC) 2^nd in SRC Section
7^th Adelene de Rosa (SRC) & Hilda Tan (SRC) 3^rd in SRC Section

3. KKCC Official Opening and Inaugural Open Pairs – 1^st Nov

A warm welcome and congratulations goes to Kampong Kembangan Community Club on their official opening of the Bridge Club. Convenor Ron Savage and his staff organised a 12 Table 44 Board Tournament starting at 10am. The prizes were handed out by MP Dr Ong Seh Hong and Kg Kembanagan CCMC chairman Mr Neo Tiam Boon. The overall winners were Kelvin Ng & Lam Cheng Yen. However SRC managed to win the Mixed Pair category through Prof. Yu Chun Yee & Zhang Ping as well as the KKCC category through Dorothy Wong & B.K. Tham.

4. Active Ageing Contract Bridge Tournament @ GWCC – 25^th Oct

Those under 50 need not apply! Yes oldies finally have their own grand tournament with great cash prizes and door gifts of hair dyes (what else!)! It was sponsored by Peoples’ Association Active Ageing Section and organised by Geylang West CC Bridge Club. After a short welcoming speech by Convenor Lee Chin, 48 players with a combined age of over 3,000 years started the game. The event was won by Chia Chee Liong & Chia Beng Yang with SRC’s Shamim Moledina & Prof Yu Chun Yee in second place.

Mr Andrew Chen Wai Kwang PBM Chairman of GWCC gave away the prizes.

5. The Penang Bridge Spans to Singapore – 18^th to 21^st Oct

Batam in 2007, Kuantan/Cherating in 2008 and now – Penang.

Our annual SRC bridge escapade saw ten of us packing our bags to hop a Sunday flight to Penang. The famous Penang Bridge, impressive as it was, was not the kind of bridge we were too interested in. Not by a long shot.

We checked into our sea view rooms at the Orchid Copthorne just in time to catch the striking sunset from our balconies. Number 2 on everyone's list was, of course, the fabulous food. Just the smell was sufficient to make you gain weight!

Monday was a free day and some went sightseeing while others headed for the famous food niches (burp), and, of course, shopping. It was difficult to tell if we were still humans as the only sound that could be heard was "cheep cheep". By evening, we were eager to meet our Penang bridge counterparts for the first time at the Penang Sports Club. Dinner was kindly hosted by Dr. K. C. Goh and his wife Florence who had coordinated our trip. This was followed by a game which was roughly split into a "Penang" and a "Singapore" section via a straight Mitchell movement. Our section was won by Ron Savage and Dorothy Wong followed by a Penang-Singapore "rojak" pair of Ms. Barrett Eng and Zain Moledina. In the Penang section, we were extremely thrilled that the grand old lady of Penang, Ms Lorraine Lim (82 years and a smile to melt your heart) and our host Florence Goh were joint first with Dr. Hooi and Frank Kwong.  

Early next morning, we played an "open" match at Traders Hotel. This was won by our own Pat and N. W. Leong. Penang's Tan Sri Dr. Chin Fook Weng and Ms Lee Fee Khoon were 2nd followed by our steady pair of Ron Savage and Dorothy Wong. After a magnificent buffet spread, it was time to say farewell to our wonderful new found Malaysian friends.

6. People’s Association Marketplace of Courses – Oct 10

We sent 2 representatives – Zain and Shamim Moledina – to help SCBA in the above exhibition at Downtown East at Pasir Ris. The theme of the event was “Wellness for Everyone”. Bridge was one of perhaps 50 activities being demonstrated and attracted many queries. Some of the booths promoted healthy physical lifestyle like Wushu or Tai Chi and even Tae Kwon Do. Other focused on motor skills like “glass stacking” or “shaping balloon”. There were even salesmen who tried to get people to sign up for non-evidence based medical treatment!

The bridge booth was managed by SCBA’s Lilio Ho and Sugiato. The game was demonstrated mainly to elderly visitors who came by the busloads.

7.  SRC Divali Club Nite – 10^th Oct

The bridge section partially subsidised members to attend this function. It was a good opportunity to meet fellow members and friends in an informal setting while supporting our club’s social agenda. 5 members signed up for a sumptuous buffet dinner, music, dances and games.

8. SRC Tuesday Bridge Results from Oct 6 to Nov 24       

DATE              FIRST                                                  SECOND                                THIRD               .

Oct 6           Yu/Ping                                    Zain/RonS                      Leong/Pat              

Oct 13         Shamim/Yu                               David/Edwin                   Rana/Ai Leng 

Oct 27         Nancy/RonOh                          Zain/CCChen                  Shamim/BengTee        

Nov 3          Zain/CCChen                            Jin Meng/Petrina              Dot/RonS             

Nov 10        Thomas/Perumal                       Zain/CCChen                  Karol/Pheck          

Nov 17        SSChang/Trevor                       Zain/Thomas                   Nancy/RonOh      

Nov 24        Leong/Pat                                 Shamim/Yu                    HongChoon/YuetWah          

9. Drury

Every bridge player who has partnered a compulsive “light” opener can sympathize with Douglas Drury. This American expert had the privilege (?) of having Eric Murray as a regular partner who would open in the third seat if he happens to have 13 cards. After suffering several 1100 penalties, Drury invented this convention. This allowed them to stop at the 2 level and only suffer minus 800! Now isn’t that just wonderful!

DOWN        1 A jack has one.        2 Declarer should ____(4,3)         what might go wrong.        3 Type of redouble. 44 4 In teams, better to make the contract than ____ for the extra trick.        7 Your 1NT opening bid will indicate it.        8 Blackwood is a way to ____ (3) for 9-across.        9 Some calls invite partner              _to ___ the bidding.        10 Second hand play ____.        13 Bidding box card.        15 Doubled and re-doubled.        16 Matchpoint result.

10. Crossword Puzzle from SRC Open Pairs 2009 (Answers 13)

Reprinted with the permission of Carlton Parker.

	1		2				3		4	ACROSS    5  Reason to call the Director. (6,5)    6  What you need to get to the board (2,5).    9  See 8-down (4). 11  Many U.S. bridge clubs are _____ by the Director. 12  Type of trick. 14  A major penalty card must be played as soon as _____ possible. 17  Reason to call the Director. (7,4)
5
6					7					8
							9
10			11
12									13
				14
	15		16
17

Prepared by Carlton Parker    Edited by Zain Moledina

^BR_OK^EN B^RI_DG –JQK (jokes, quotes & krap)

11. Fowl Play (Thanksgiving Special Joke)

The national Bridge team was practicing when a large turkey came strutting onto the room and sat down at the table. “Do you mind if I play?”

The players initially humored the bird but pretty soon they were awestruck as the turkey bid perfectly and pulled off amazing plays.

This caught the team captain’s attention “You're terrific!!! Sign up for the team and we will play in the National League, I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus if we win."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is this. Does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

12. One Liners From Victor Mollo’s “Masters & Monsters”

 (In this issue of THE GRANDSLAM, I have modified and compiled some of the quotes from Victor Mollo’s “Masters & Monsters”. Many of us have grown up enjoying the exploits of his menagerie and I hope that this will inspire others to savor the full flavor in the books themselves).

Hideous Hog: Probability, playing rules, conventions and systems take the place of thinking. That is why they are so popular.

Hideous Hog: (He) is so bad that he admits to mistakes before he makes them

Hideous Hog: If you award Masterpoints for very good results then, logically, you should deduct them for very bad results.

Papa: I don’t understand why you couldn’t see my signal, partner. Everyone knows that a singleton is the top of nothing.

Papa: I am so good I can false card with a singleton.

Rueful Rabbit: Do you want to play Lavinthal or Odd-Even or natural discards?

T Toucan: Let’s play them all.

Papa: People shouldn’t be allowed to use conventions they don’t understand. It’s not fair to the opponents.

T Toucan: I know we agreed to lead A from AK. Sorry my fault. I promise to have the King next time.

Rueful Rabbit: Shall we play McKenney or Lavinthal discards.

( the same… ed)

Rueful Rabbit: At Grandslam, it was a little difficult to rectify the count.

Charlie Chimp: I can concentrate at will on all the hands except the one I am currently playing.

Rueful Rabbit: Some declarers have difficulty counting the opponent’s distribution. I have the same problem with Dummy’s distribution.

T Toucan: If I work very hard at it, I may be able to achieve mediocrity.

Karapet: Did I tell you about ….

Corgi: Yes

Karapet: I expect the worst in bridge and am rarely disappointed.

Karapet: I am so unlucky that in all my life, no one has ever revoked against me.

Karapet: Through constant practice, I have become an expert loser.

Hideous Hog: Nature is so unfair that I have to be the dummy over ten percent of the time. What a waste of my talent.

Hideous Hog: You made your Ace of trumps. What else can you possibly want?

Papa: Only at Duplicate you get a bottom for using safety plays.

O Owl: Better to play very badly than very good. If things go wrong you are in good company.

Hideous Hog: I am so good I only need a partner who can tell one suit from another.

Hideous Hog: Your bidding and card play are not on the same high level as the rest of your game.

Hideous Hog: I know no one whom I would rather see in charge of the dummy.

Hideous Hog:  I will bid natural and you bid “Big Minor”. When you have a NT opening, you call 1C and I will bid your NT. If you have a major, bid 1D and I will bid your major. This way you will not get the stress of being declarer.

Papa: I am the better side and we know it.

Hideous Hog: My partner plus 12 sure tricks equals 11.

Hideous Hog: I am such a fine player, no one can deny my right to be rude.

Hideous Hog: It is blatant insubordination. How dare you bid NT and becomes declarer.

Hideous Hog: I do not doubt your luck and I know no one who needs it more than you.

Hideous Hog: Of course I always hold much better cards than you do. Being declarer is part of my system.

Hideous Hog: My point count system? Extra for long suit, extra for short suit and 3 points for my superb play.

Hideous Hog: The opening lead should always run up to the stronger player.

13. Answers : Crossword Puzzle from SRC Open Pairs 2009

Across:       5. FOULED BOARD      6. AN ENTRY      9. ACES                11. OWNED        

                   12. OVER                       14. LEGALLY      17. EXPOSED CARD

Down:         1. POINT                       2. PLAN FOR       3. SOS                  4. TRY       

                   7. RANGE                      8. ASK                 9. ADVANCE      

                   10. LOW                        13. ALERT           15. XXX                16. TOP

14 JQK till you Drop

For the LARGEST COLLECTION of Bridge Jokes, Quotes and Krap in the WHOLE WORLD (no joke!), visit http://bridgejokes.blogspot.com. These are extracted from past issues of THE GRANDSLAM. If you want to read the articles and puzzles as well, visit THE GRANDSLAM archives at http://bridge-newsletter.blogspot.com. To subscribe or unsubscribe to this free newsletter, pls send email to address below.

Zain Moledina, SRC Bridge Editor

December 1, 2009, zaris@singnet.com.sg

The Grandslam #57 Oct/Nov 09

THE GRANDSLAM

SRC BRIDGE SECTION NEWSLETTER

                                    October/November 09 ISSUE #57

                                        (Special Medical-Bridge Jokes Issue)

1. Message from the Incoming Convenor – Shamim Moledina

Thank you for your support and I am happy to take responsibility as the Convenor of the Bridge Section. I sincerely hope that others would volunteer their time and join the Committee so that we can have new ideas and lighten our load. I am very passionate about Bridge and I hope that in spite of my health and personal issues, I will continue to be able to serve in the committee in future. 

During my term, I would like to concentrate on the novices and inactive members. The Committee has decided that from Jan 2010, experienced players will partner a novice at least once a month. In this context, we held an In-house Individual bridge game on Hari Raya just between our members. As the feedback was extremely positive, we intend to do this more often.

To cater for inactive members, we will continue to subsidise social events where they can interact with active players and hopefully start playing soon. We are sponsoring 50% for the Divali Club Nite and our Penang Escapade.

2. Pesta Sukan Asian Bridge Championships 2009 7^th-10^th August

In Singapore’s premier regional tournament, we did not submit a Team but Prof Yu and Zain represented SRC in both the Open and Mixed Pairs. It was a solid performance all round with Prof Yu and partner Ping capping it with the Bronze in the Mixed Pairs (see picture).

Open Pairs (Singapore unless otherwise stated)

1^st Lam Ze Ying & Lan Foo 65.89%

2^nd Hidayattulah & Frangky B Liogu 65.88% (Indonesia)

3^rd Ricky Palandeng & Peter Tora Wang 62.28% (Indonesia)

4^th Romulus Tan & Desmond Oh 60.00%

5^th Trevor Li & Zain Moledina (SRC) 59.54%

 Mixed Pairs

1^st Jenny Lee & Romulus Tan 69.67% 

2^nd Lam Ze Ying & Wong Choo Wai 61.41%

3^rd Zhang Ping & Yu Chun Yee (SRC)  60.15% 

4^th Karol Crouse & Zain Moledina (SRC) 59.64%

5^th Jane Choo & Chua Gang 59.37% 

Open Teams

1^st International: Wong Choo Wai, Derek Maggs, Endo Kimiko, Alan Sia

2^nd Friends of Sheep: Chua Gang, Kelvin Ng, Pooh Hua, Loo Choon Chou, Ng Yong Hao, Zhang Yukun

3^rd Pastel: Sugiharto, Victor Abadi, Lucky Kosasih, LL Wong, Lilio H.

3. National Bridge League 2009 – Final Result

After flying high last year when we won both our division and the Swiss, we were down to ground level this year. We managed 4^th position in the Swiss (The Bridge Bears won the KO Cup). In the league, we won 4 matches, drew 1 and lost 3 to end in 5^th place (X-Men won our Division).

2009 Active Team Members are Zain Moledina (Capt). Prof Yu Chun Yee (V. Capt), Prof C C Chen, Dr. Trevor Li, Shamim Moledina, Zhang Ping & Karol Crouse.

4. SRC Hari Raya In-house Individual Special – 20^th Sept

Individual Bridge tournaments require a change of partners after every round (to a dreamy melody?). Systems have to be kept simple and luck plays a larger role. On the positive side, it is a great opportunity to play with different people. Who knows? You might just find a regular partner in the shuffle! Nice food, good friends and 33 boards of bridge – surely there were no losers today. Thanks to Terence Sheperdson, SRC’s Games Control Chairman, for giving away the prizes.

1^st Shamim Moledina 61.4%    2nd Adelene de Rosa 60.6%     3rd Zain Moledina 59.1%

Top Newbie: Ong Cheng Huat

5. KKCC Hari Raya Potluck Special – 21^st Sept

Lots of food and laughter accompanied this Kampong Kembangan CC’s game. As there was ample time during the leisurely dinner, it was also an occasion to catch up with news and upcoming plans – the latter included a trip to Antarctica! I am reasonably sure penguins don’t play bridge as they seem too well dressed.

1^st Trevor Li & Zain Moledina (SRC) 68.5%    2^nd Eric & Alice Luk 61.5%

3^rd Alan Chua & Phyllis Wong 57.0% tied with David Ong & Ron Savage 57.0%

6. SRC Tuesday Bridge Results from Aug 4 to Sep 29       

DATE              FIRST                                       SECOND                         THIRD               .

Aug 4          Hong Choon/Yuet Wah         Jing Meng/Petrina    Nancy/Ron Oh        

Aug 11        CC Chen/Zain                 Pat/Leong tied with Alex/Firoz

Aug 18*      Derek Maggs/Zain                 Karol/Pheck         Anne Loh/Punawan    

Aug 25        Ping/Yu                           B K/Richard tied with Anne Loh/Purnawan 

Sep 1           Ping/Yu                                    BK/Richard                Ai Leng/Rana

Sep 8           Rana/Ai Leng               BK/Richard     Nancy/Ron Oh tied Pat/Leong  

Sep 15         Shamim/Thomas                       CC Chen/Zain     Petrina/Jing Meng   

Sep 22         David Chew/Peng Huat             CC Chen/Zain            Ai Leng/Rana

Sep 29**     CC Chen/Zain                           Shamim/Thomas             Yu/Ping  

*Welcome to SCBA Hon Secretary and SRC Liaison Derek Maggs for joining us on Aug 18.

**Delighted to have Ms Stella Ee, 86, the oldest active lady bridge player in Singapore join us on Sep 29. She took a break from her Tuesday Tai Chi and came a credible 5^th with partner David Ong.

7. Why Play at SRC?

Care for some bridge on Tuesday evening? Come join our weekly game at 7.30pm at the Singapore Recreation Club. Why? How about these 7 reasons.

1. Quality: Run by SCBA Qualified Directors.

2, Timeliness: Get full Results the very next day on email.

3. Transparent Detailed Information: We use a fantastic scoring program that gives you full hand by hand performance of what exactly you bid and made against what others bid and made.

4. Value: Free for everybody and also some munchies.

5. Convenience: Just a 2 minute walk from City Hall MRT.

6. Partner finding service: Just call/email/sms by Monday morning and we will try to find one.

7. Friendly: We take the game seriously but not ourselves.

As space is limited to 7 Tables, please contact Shamim 64486664/96462786.

8. 2009 Bridge Escapade to Penang – 18^th to 21^st October

This free and easy trip will be partially subsidised for SRC bridge members. Others are most welcome to join. We will sightsee during the day and play bridge in the evening at the Penang Sports Club with our Malaysian friends. Email zaris@singnet.com.sg for details.

9. SRC Divali Club Nite – 10^th Oct

The bridge section will subsidise half of this function for SRC bridge members. Have a great night out and be entertained in this colourful gala event. Email zaris@singnet.com.sg for details and reserve a spot. Others are also welcome subject to availability.

10. Director’s Dilemma

Two years ago, SRC bridge section decided that it was high time to inject some professionalism into the games at our club. We decided to encourage members to attend the SCBA Director Course and to subsidise them if they pass. Previously, our games, like those at most clubs in Singapore, were run by an experienced player. Somehow the idea developed, not surprisingly, that an experienced player is also knowledgeable in the rules. I had an encounter recently when a “director” did not even know when a card is considered played! No consultation with others. No check with the rule book. Make a decision and walk off! Yes, I have become painfully aware of the poor knowledge of bridge laws outside the SCBA, Hopefully this article will spur clubs to recognize this as a real problem and resolve it.

A fundamental misconception among social players is that the director is “on the side” of the person who called the director. The role of the director is to fairly implement the law. In fact, the director should go out of his way to understand the inexperienced player’s side because the law-savvy player may be better able to state his case.

Social players usually dislike anyone calling the director. They either want to gloss over the matter or try to resolve it among themselves. They fail to realise that this is not only illegal but possibly unfair. Without the presence of a neutral party like the director, this is a sure fire way to cause even more friction and continue to remain ignorant of the bridge laws.

I recall another incident where the revoker felt that by calling the director, he was being accused of cheating! Everyone has unintentionally revoked in their lives and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Just pay a penalty and move on.

The most difficult task for a director are those that require judgment and deciding what is considered “logical alternatives” and “unauthorized information (UI)”. Directors often delay the decision for some consultation and by comparing scores. If the violating pair eventually reach a very inferior contract, it is unlikely that the UI was utilised by partner.

Another common infraction is the tendency to make a general claim while a trump is still out. Sometimes the opponents tell declarer to “play on” – this is both absurd and illegal. By saying that, the declarer now realises that something is not right and plays accordingly. Sometimes the defender reveals the un-drawn trump and the claimant will say that it was his obvious intention to draw out the last trump. The correct procedure is just to reject the claim and call the director. What the claimant fails to realise is that if you don’t specify that you are going to draw the last trump, the director, based on the law, has to assume that the declarer has forgotten about it. He will have to award a trump trick to the opponent if there is any non-irrational way for the claimant to lose that trick. All the sad stories by the claimant are totally worthless!

(I hope this will become an occasional feature in THE GRANDSLAM.  Pls send me your encounters for publication -- ed)

11. World Team Championships, Sao Paulo, Brazil – Sept 2009

Black coffee was definitely not needed to keep several diehard bridge fanatics on the edge of their computer seats. The live card by card VU Graphs backed by knowledgeable commentary spanned from 10pm to 3am for more than a week.

Italy’s big early lead quickly whittled away as the marathon 128-board finals came to an end with USA2 coasting to a comfortable 285-249 victory. What a team of legends! Bob Hamman, Zia Mahmood, Jeff Meckstroth, Eric Rodwell, Nick Nickell and Ralph Katz. Credit must also go to Italy’s Antonio Sementa, Giorgio Duboin, Fulvio Fantoni, Claudio Nunes, Lorenzo Lauria and Alfredo Versace for their solid performance for so many years.

I cannot help but wonder what would have happened if Italy had their Blue Team of the 60s/70s -- Giorgio Belladonna Walter Avarelli, Benito Garozzo Pietro Forquet and Camillo Pabis Ticci, Massimo D'Alelio -- matching up with USA2. Alas, only in my dreams!

In the Ladies Venice Cup, Asia finally took the title when China beat USA1 220 – 148.

In the D'Orsi Seniors Bowl, England beat Poland 187-164 while Indonesia beat USA2 125-77 for 3^rd place. Seeing how well Indonesia did, this could potentially be another niche for Singapore to make a mark on the world stage like what our Youth team recently did.

12. Puzzle (Difficult): 7S NS or 1S EW (see 25 below for answer)

Can you create a hand where NS can make 7S yet if EW were declaring; they would make 1S against best defense from everybody (bidding not required)? Sounds impossible? Well get your grey cells energized and crack this toughie. (Send this to your “know-it-all” bridge friends without the answer and drive them crazy! - ed)

^BR_OK^EN B^RI_DG –JQK (jokes, quotes & krap)

All Medical-Bridge Jokes below

13. Never Mind

The doctor was checking up on three elderly bridge players who had head injuries from a car accident.

Serene inquired "Doctor, Will I still be able to play bridge?"

The Doctor asked "How many high card points in a deck of cards?"

"60!" the lady replied.

Worried, the doctor turned to Wayne "How about you? How many high card points in a deck of cards? “

"Uh, Wednesday!" he shouted.

Even more concerned, the doctor motioned to the other lady. "Well, what do you say, madam? How many high card points in a deck of cards?"

"Forty!"  Sheryl replied.

"Excellent!" the doctor exclaimed. "How did you get that?"

"Oh, it's pretty simple," she explained. "You just subtract the 60 from Wednesday!"

(See 24 below for an original twist on this joke…ed)

14. Gene Splicing

What do you get when you cross my partner with an ape?
No change occurs.                    (My sincerest apologies to the ape ... ed)

15. I Walk the Line

“There is a fine line between wanting to play bridge every day and mental illness.”

16. Overloaded Bridge

While a physician was examining a new patient's ruddy complexion and blood pressure, the patient said, "I already know I have very high blood pressure, Doc."

"Does it come from your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.

"Neither," Wayne replied. "It's from my bridge partner’

17. End Play

Sheryl accompanied Wayne, her bridge partner, to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called Sheryl into his office alone. ”Wayne is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, he will surely die. Never point out any mistake he makes. Be pleasant at all times. Don't burden him with conventions and bidding systems. Always give him a hug when he feels down. And never discuss the hands. If you can do this for the next few months, I think Wayne will regain his health completely."

On the way home, Wayne asked Sheryl, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied

18. Deafening Silence

Wayne was talking to a doctor about his bridge partner "Doctor, I think my bridge partner is deaf because she never hears my bid and I always have to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "The next time you play bridge, bid normally. If she doesn't reply, say it louder and louder. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the next time they played Rubber Bridge, he does exactly as instructed. He starts off saying “One Spade”.  He hears no response. He says it louder “ONE SPADE”. Still no reply. And again “ONE SPADE”! He gets fed up and screams at the top of his voice “SHERYL! I’M BIDDING ONE SPADE”! 

Sheryl picks up a pen and writes down "For the fourth time, One No Trump" 

19. Running Hot and Cold

Sheryl: Can't play bridge tonight. I have a really bad cold"

Wayne: Try drinking a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.

Sheryl: uh ... Ok ... I'll try anything

…..the next day…

Wayne: Hi Sheryl … Well, did it help?

Sheryl: How should I know? I haven't even finished drinking the bath yet!"

20. Running Wild

Wayne “Doctor, my memory is failing and I cannot remember the cards when I play Bridge.”

Doctor “If you want to improve your memory and your concentration, you need to get some exercise. A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Run 10 kilometers a day.”

Two weeks later, Wayne calls the doctor.

Doctor "Have you done what I told you?”

Wayne “Yes doc, I’ve followed your instruction exactly.”

Doctor “So has your memory and concentration improved since 2 week ago?"

Wayne “I don't know, I'm 140 kilometers away from my Bridge Club"

21. Daffy-nit-shuns: Amnesia Double

Amnesia Double: When you make a lead directing double when you are going to be on the opening lead

22. Home Sweet Home

Wayne “I get a really bad headache after a long bridge tournament”.

Joe “Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away."

… The next day …

Joe "Did you do what I told you to do?"

Wayne "Sure did and it works! By the way, you have a nice house!"

23. Car-toons

Bridge partners are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the available ones are handicapped.

24. Never Mind (from 13 above) – a new twist

Sheryl subtracted 60 from Wednesday to get 40. The numerical equivalent of Wednesday is 23+5+4+14+5+4+1+25=100. So there!

25. Puzzle Answer: 7S NS or 1S EW (from 12 above)

                                      S -

                                      H A K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3

                                      D 2

                                      C -

S J 10 9                                            S 6 5 4 3 2

H -                                 H –             H -

D -                                                     D A K Q J 10 9 8

C K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4                     C 3

S A K Q 8 7                                                        

                                      H 2

                                      D 7 6 5 4 3

                                      C A 2

The above is an example of a hand where S makes 7S if he declares and W makes (at least) 1S if he is declarer!

Any lead by W is won by South who draws trumps and runs Hearts for 13 tricks.

When W is declarer and N on the lead, he cannot enter S’s hand. N’s best lead is D2. E wins and runs 7 diamonds for the contract. If S mistakenly ruff the 6^th (or 7^th) diamond low or high, S can only take four trumps + AC giving the opponents an overtrick because of an overuff or trump promotion and/or establishing dummy’s 5^th trump. On a H lead, EW always make 8 tricks using the same methodology after the initial heart ruff in dummy.

Moral of the story: Distribution beats Points but Luck beats all.

26. JQK till you Drop

For the LARGEST COLLECTION of Bridge Jokes, Quotes and Krap in the WHOLE WORLD (no joke!), visit http://bridgejokes.blogspot.com. These are extracted from past issues of THE GRANDSLAM. If you want to read the articles and puzzles as well, visit THE GRANDSLAM archives at http://bridge-newsletter.blogspot.com. To subscribe to this free newsletter, pls send email to address below.

Zain Moledina, SRC Bridge Editor

October 1, 2009, zaris@singnet.com.sg