Monday, February 01, 2010

The Grandslam #59 Feb/Mar 2010

This could well be my last issue. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I had writing it.... As usual lots Jokes on the latter part of the newsletter .... Zain 


                                         Feb/Mar 2010 ISSUE #59

1.    Message from the Convenor – Shamim Moledina
As this is my first message of the New Year, I would like to wish all of you a belated very happy, healthy and prosperous 2010 as well as for the upcoming Lunar New Year.
SRC was one of the hundreds of worldwide sites hosting the WBF/Ecats Charity Pairs (see below) to support the Haiti earthquake victims. This was our first worldwide simultaneous bridge event and the first club outside of the SCBA ever do so in Singapore. Our scores will be uploaded to the Ecats UK web site where they will be combined with thousands of other players playing the same hands so you can see how you fared in a very large field. Carlton Parker pre-dealt all the hands and directed the game brilliantly with the help of CF Chum. A big thank you to all those who helped and supported this event.
In May we are planning a Bridge section trip to Kuching to play in the open pairs/teams at the Kuching Bridge club. Also, our Beginner Bridge course by ACBL Instructor Carton Parker is scheduled to start on Saturday 10th April at 3pm. Section members who have previously gone through the course may attend FOC. (see below for more information)

2.    Resignations From the SRC Bridge Committee
Steven Chew has resigned from his position of Secretary in December 2009 due to other commitments. Vice Convener/Editor Zain Moledina has tendered his resignation effective 1st Feb 2010 for personal reasons. (This will be my last issue of “The Grandslam”. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I had writing it … ed)

3.    Procedural Controls
One of the requisites in the judicial system is “Not only must the system be fair but it must also be seen to be fair.” We who are responsible to manage bridge in our respective clubs should strive to achieve this same goal. Some of the suggestions below, though far from foolproof, can go quite a way to inject professionalism and transparency into the running of a bridge game.
1. Director: There is a tendency for players to resolve violations between themselves at a bridge table. Even if all parties at the table agree, this is still illegal.  It is the job of the Director – plain and simple. He also has the responsibility of running the game. He should be able to handle all movements including those that require shared boards, bye stands, arrowswitch or board skips. This is not as difficult as it sounds because the set-up is easily available from free downloads from the Internet.
2. Cards and Scoring Controls: There should always be at least 2 people present when cards are shuffled by hand or dealt by computer. These boards or information about the hands should never be accessible to just one person especially if that person is also playing in that match or if his team is participating. 2 people must also be present to cross-check the score when it is being manually tabulated or entered into the computer.
3. Availability of Information: Players should be given sufficiently detailed information about their score promptly after the game. Sufficient time has to be given to them to check for anomalies or to appeal. Full results should be sent by the next day to those participants with email addresses.
4. Conflict of Interest: If a situation arises that the director is also playing in the match, special care must be taken. The knowledge of a hand on which the director has to rule may occasionally be unauthorized information. A simple glance at the board number and how many tricks are taken is more than sufficient to be considered UI.

4.    WBF/Ecats Charity Pairs -- SRC on 26th Jan & KKCC on 28th Jan
The Charity Pairs organized jointly by the World Bridge Federation and ECATs Bridge UK was held over 6 days starting on Monday 25th January and ending on Saturday 30th. SRC was proud to host the Tuesday session and raised $260 for the recent earthquake victims via the Haiti Disaster Fund. (see Convenor Message above). Kampong Kembangan hosted the Thursday session with similar success. For full results and overall standings, press Ctrl and click this for SRC and this for KKCC. Worldwide results are based on data available on 31st January.
SRC result summary as follows:
1st Zain Moledina (SRC) & Trevor Li 67.3%   (worldwide 16/648)
2nd Christopher Gregory & Sugi Sugiharto 62.7% (worldwide 7/648)
3rd Anne Lo & Purnawan Sutiono  59.6% (worldwide 225/648)

KKCC result summary as follows:
1st Anne Lo & Purnawan Sutiono  61.3% (worldwide 122/987
2nd Prof Yu Chun Yee (SRC) & Zhang Ping 57.5% (worldwide 273/987)
=3rd Dorothy Wong (SRC) & Ashim C. 57.1% (worldwide 202/987)
=3rd Tan Soh Hong & Suan Lin 57.1% (worldwide 161/987)

5.    SICC X’mas Pairs – 5th Dec
Singapore Island Country Club had their annual Xmas game with caroling and all the usual Christmas fare. A turkey that survived the Thanksgiving holidays lost out this time round.
It must be some sort of a consistency record because SRC’s Shamim Moledina came second for the third straight year! This year it was with Prof C C Chen, in 2008 with SRC’s Murli Vassanmal and in 2007 with SRC’s Zain Moledina. Now how’s that for a silver touch!
The tournament was won by H S Ho & S K Wu.

6.    SRC In-House Xmas Individuals – 13th Dec
Individual bridge tournaments used to be very rare at SRC – not any more! In order to achieve our objective of greater interaction, these tournaments have now become standard fare.
16 SRC members played 30 boards in 15 rounds with every other player as partner. With a time limit hanging over the players, some tried frantically to agree on bidding conventions at the start of each round. Others just smiled and relaxed knowing that the probability of any specific convention occurring in 2 deals was very small indeed … so why bother.
We had to return to the Stone Age and do manual scoring as there was no computer available and everybody was keen to see the results before going home. A “production line” was set up with a scorer, checker, tabulator and adder.
1st Pat Leong                
2nd Zain Moledina                          
3rd Chris Wong  
Top Newbie (tied) Ong Mui Siok & Steven Chew

7.    CSC X’mas Pairs  - 19th Dec
Once again, Chinese Swimming Club was running at a full capacity of 12 tables in their annual Pot Luck Xmas Pairs. As players streamed in with their goodies, the fare was consumed just as fast. With this basic need satisfied, the 48 players got down to the business of playing bridge. SRC players were in top form and dominated the proceedings.
1st Dr. Trevor Li & Zain Moledina (SRC) 67.5%      
2nd Dr. & Mrs. Sung (CSC) 62.1%
3rd Murli Vassanmal (SRC)/Shamim Moledina (SRC)        4th Ron Savage & Dot Wong (SRC)

8.    SRC Xmas Pairs – 25th Dec
Our Xmas event was a 27 board affair followed by a simple dinner and lot of interaction between friends.  The event was won by Chew Ai Leng and Rana Gill followed by Ng Chun Tat and Rajendra Krishnan with Molly Wee and Tan Soh Hong in third place.

9.    BTCC Annual Pairs – 26th Dec
Congratulation to SRC’s Shamim Moledina and Prof C. C. Chen for winning the Senior section of the Bukit Timah CC annual pair event in both the Matchpoint and IMPs categories. In the overall open matchpoint section of 32 pairs, they were 5th. The match was won by Romulus Tan/Wei Seng followed by Poon Hua/Chua Gang, Tan Sock Ngin/Fong Kien Hoong and Alan Sia/Kimiko Endo. SCBA President Wong Choo Wai gave away the prizes.

10.     Keppel Club New Year Eve Pairs – 31st Dec
15 pairs supported Keppel Club’s traditional potluck New Year eve game. There was a mountain of food and wine as well a huge turkey. The dessert spread included a fruit that was a cross between a jackfruit and a chempedak. After the game, some headed for the Karaoke lounge while others walked to the quiet seafront to watch the fireworks shooting over Sentosa on one side and Labrador Park on the other. All this happened under clear skies and a “blue moon” – the second full moon in the same month. Now how close to perfection can you get!
1st Zain Moledina (SRC) & Karol Crouse tied with Molly Wee & Henry Goh
3rd Chia and Chia

11.     SRC New Year Pairs – 1st Jan
28 players attended the annual SRC New Years Pairs Tournament and that makes a total of 364 handshakes or hugs and good wishes going round. In line with almost everybody’s New Year’s resolution, the dinner menu was kept healthy with a minimum of hi-calorie sauces -- just simple mushrooms, broccoli, roast chicken, and fish. SRC pairs took 3 of the top 4 positions.
1st Trevor Li /Zain Moledina (SRC) 76.5%      
2nd NW Leong/Pat Leong (SRC) 58.6%
3rd Susan Wee/Zhao Han Jie 54.9%            
4th Dulari Uppal/Shamim Moledina (SRC) 54.0%

12.     KKCC 2010 Opening Game – Jan 4th
After a 2-week closure for the holidays, Kampong Kembangan was back in business with a New Year game with loads of snacks, chocolates and cakes. The icing on the cake came in the form of Peter Arnett who was back for a holiday from Russia after an absence of 4 years.
1st Trevor Li/Zain Moledina (SRC) 63.9%                
2nd Peter Arnett/Shamim Moledina (SRC) 62.2%
3rd Boon Chuan/Dorothy Wong (SRC) 59.4%

13.     KKCC Individual Potluck Tournament – Jan 10th
The inaugural individual tournament at Kampong Kembangan CC consisted of 32 players who were split into 2 even groups – members and non-members. After a sumptuous lunch the chaotic business of first time partnership began. Many tried to spend a minute or 2 to clarify bidding systems but most just relaxed and let fate guide them through the 30 hands. Mr. Neo Tiam Boon, the CC's Management Committee's Chairman, and Mr Sheng Yizhe, who Chairs the Youth Executive graced the occasion and gave away the prizes.
KKCC Section
1st Zain Moledina (SRC) 67.2%    
2nd Dr. Trevor Li 59.4%       
3rd Tan Hong Choon 59.0%
Non-Members Section
1st Karol Crouse tied Yit Yun 56.7%
3rd Maureen Mah 56.1%
4th Prof Yu Chun Yee (SRC) 54.4%

14.     KKCC Top Performer 2009
Congratulations to SRC’s Zain Moledina for winning the inaugural masterpoints prize (2H2009) based on the weekly games at Kampong Kembangan CC. Tan Yuet Wah won the “most improved” award.

15.     Addition to Bridge Library
The Bridge Committee would like to thank Ms Karol Crouse for her kind donation to our library.
1. Laws of Duplicate Bridge Through the Eyes of the Player by Larry Harris
2. Take Your Tricks by Edwin Kantar
3. Bridge Magazine #98 Christmas 2009
These and other books may be borrowed for a period 2 weeks to members and guests.

16.     SRC Tuesday Bridge Results from Dec 1st to Jan 19th       
DATE    FIRST                                  SECOND                                THIRD               .
Dec 2   Carl/Zain                     Dot/RonS                       AiLeng/Rana         
Dec 9   Leong/Pat                    HongChoon/YuetWah   Dot/RonS        
Dec 16 Shamim/Perumal                   Leong/Pat                       Evelyn/Jane   
Dec 23 HongChoon/YuetWah Zain/Vishu                     Murli/Alan  
Dec 30 Vishu/RonOh              Anne/Josephine             Carl/Zain       
Jan 5    Karol/Pheck                 Ping/Yu                BK/Richard=Dot/RonS            
Jan 12  Chen/Shamim              Lorraine/RonS       Ashim/Quresh=Yu/Zain    
Jan 19  Dot/Ron                      Kohei/Shamim               Carl/Chris

17.     Bridge Beginner Course – 10th April 2010
For the best value beginner course in Singapore, register your friends and family now. The 8 classes will be held on Saturdays at 3-6pm by Mr. Carlton Parker. You can join by filling a registration form which is available at the SRC foyer or contact Shamim at SRC Bridge Section members who have previously gone through an SRC course may sit in at no cost. The course is heavily discounted for SRC members and also somewhat for guests to encourage the sport in Singapore.

18.     Kuching Bridge Escapade – May 2010
Batam in 2007, Cherating in 2008, Penang in 2009 and now we are off to Kuching to participate in the tournaments organized by the Kuching Bridge Club. This escapade is geared towards active SRC bridge players although due consideration with be given to non-members in order to optimize hotel rooms. Only SRC Bridge Section members will be partially subsidized. Please look out for upcoming details.

19.      Splitting Honours
A classic photo (right) from inventor of the strobe – Harold “Doc” Edgerton. 

20.     Puzzle : Two in a Row
   (Answer below)
After a round robin tournament, your team is First – well done! However, to win the Super Bonus prize, you must now play another 3 rounds against the team that came in 2nd (stronger team, S) and the team that was 3rd (weaker team, W). Your team will have to play alternately against the other 2 teams. To win the Bonus you must win 2 in a row (not 2 out of 3). So, which is better, SWS or WSW? Or is there no difference? You are the captain of your team and get to choose the sequence. Remember! Your teammates are watching you!

BROKEN BRIDG –JQK (jokes, quotes & krap)
21.     Complementary not Harmony
A great partnership is not when a perfect match comes along. More often it is when they learn to appreciate and leverage off their differences.

22.     The Power of the One
During History lesson, the teacher briefly went through the Kings and Queens who rule countries. “But” the teacher continued, “There is a higher category of power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

23.     End of the Rope
I always knew that if all else failed I could teach bridge – yup, all else did fail.

24.     Expanding Horizons
Sheryl: Why not learn to play Bridge? It is gaining popularity everywhere.
Wayne: So what! So is AIDS.

25.     Uplifting Spirits
I never drink alcohol while playing bridge. It interferes with my suffering.

26.     How’s That Again?
Winning does not really matter, as long as you win.
27.     No one around
I was matched up with another player when I showed up without a partner. All through the match, whenever I made a mistake, he would say "No Man is perfect"
Later I found out that his name was Norman.

28.     Bottoms Up
I've always believed no matter how many games I win, I'm going to lose the next one.

29.     Cart before the Horse
Some people are so busy learning the various conventions and gadgets of the game; they never fully enjoy the game.

30.     Differing Views
Put 4 bridge players on the table and you’ll get 4 different opinions.

31.     Road to Success
A champion Bridge player is an amateur who did not quit.

32.        Double of Nothing
Joe knows absolutely nothing about the game; his wife plays twice as well.

33.        How’s That Again?
Don't let worries get you down - play Bridge instead

34.        Place of Honour
The Bridge club secretary was very apologetic, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but our registration for the match is full"
"Wait just a minute," the member argued, "If I told you that Zia Mahmood and Bob Hamman want to play, wouldn’t you register them?"
"Most definitely," she answered.
"Well,” said the member “since I happen to know that they both cannot make it, we’ll just take their slot"

35.        Rubbing it In
A Notice at a Bridge Club:
Those who failed the bridge course and are depressed with low self esteem, please attend the special extra class on Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

36.        Trumped
A bridge player accidentally got a girl pregnant. When he visited her and saw her condition, he offered to marry her. She said she will consult her family and get back to him. When he showed up the next day she said “Well after some discussion, we decided it was better to have a bastard than a bridge player in the family”

37.        Between the Lines
Bridge is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkles you get.

38.        Puzzle Answer: Two in a Row
SWS. To win the bonus, your team MUST win the middle game. So it is better to play this against the weaker team, W. Now you have 2 chances to beat the stronger team, S, for the bonus. If you are still skeptical as to why sometimes you play against the stronger team twice is better than once, you just need to plug in some probability values for the 2 team and see for your self. Say if your team can beat S 60% of the time and W 70%. To win 2 in a row with SWS is (0.6 x 0.7) + (0.4 x 0.7 x 0.6) = 58.8 %. To win with WSW is (0.7 x 0.6) + (0.3 x 0.6 x 0.7) = 54.6%.

39.         JQK till you Drop
For the LARGEST COLLECTION of Bridge Jokes, Quotes and Krap in the WHOLE WORLD (no joke!), visit These are extracted from past issues of THE GRANDSLAM. If you want to read the articles and puzzles as well, visit THE GRANDSLAM archives at (press Ctrl and click)
Zain Moledina, SRC Bridge Editor
February 1, 2010,

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

The Grandslam #58 Dec09/Jan10

                                    December 2009/January 2010 ISSUE #58
                               (Victor Mollo’s Special Jokes Issue)
1. Message from the Convenor – Shamim Moledina
Often overlooked when we have our special tournaments are the people who work behind the scenes. I walked in early at our pair’s event and saw Carl standing quietly sharpening pencils. When Zain requested him to do the crossword this time, he readily accepted the challenge. Then there is BK with his ever ready camera and Pat and Dot always willing and eager to resolve the many last minute things that have to done. One phone call to Florence and she was there to do the scoring. These members and so many others I have left out form the backbone of our section. And of course our hard working F & B group who arranges our layout and food and the PR department who do the logistics. Thank you all.

2. SRC 10th Annual Open Pairs – the Moledina Trophy – Nov 15
Our 10th anniversary tournament could well be called a tournament of many firsts. We had a record 9 pairs comprising of 1 or 2 SRC members which also swept the top 3 positions and also 5 of the top 7! What a great way to celebrate our first decade! It was also the first time our traditional bridge Crossword Puzzle was superbly developed by Carlton Parker and for the first time we had a repeat winner – Trevor Li. Yet another first was the formation of an Appeals Committee comprised of 3 Certified Directors – Karol Crouse, Carlton Parker and Zain Moledina -- to ensure that the tournament complies to the highest of standards. What was not new was the tournament format of 36 boards Howell Movement which ensured that every pair played against every other except one.
The tournament went off smoothly under the calm, cool and able directorship of Howard Haythornthwaite with Florence Tan as the scorer.
Convenor Shamim Moledina in her opening address thanked the SRC Management Committee for their unwavering support over past decade and well as the bridge committee, section members and regular supporters. This year in particular, Steven Chew arranged door gifts for everyone from food supplier QBB. Social Chairman Richard Yong who has always solidly supported the Bridge Section kindly consented to give away the prizes.
1st Dorothy Wong (SRC) & Ron Savage 
2nd Zain Moledina (SRC) & Dr. Trevor Li
3rd Shamim Moledina (SRC) & Prof Yu Chun Yee (SRC) 1st in SRC Section 

4th Dr Thomas Wong & Prof C C Chen  
5th R Perumal & KG Srinivasan
6th Pat Leong (SRC) & N W Leong (SRC) 2nd in SRC Section
7th Adelene de Rosa (SRC) & Hilda Tan (SRC) 3rd in SRC Section

3. KKCC Official Opening and Inaugural Open Pairs – 1st Nov
A warm welcome and congratulations goes to Kampong Kembangan Community Club on their official opening of the Bridge Club. Convenor Ron Savage and his staff organised a 12 Table 44 Board Tournament starting at 10am. The prizes were handed out by MP Dr Ong Seh Hong and Kg Kembanagan CCMC chairman Mr Neo Tiam Boon. The overall winners were Kelvin Ng & Lam Cheng Yen. However SRC managed to win the Mixed Pair category through Prof. Yu Chun Yee & Zhang Ping as well as the KKCC category through Dorothy Wong & B.K. Tham.

4. Active Ageing Contract Bridge Tournament @ GWCC – 25th Oct
Those under 50 need not apply! Yes oldies finally have their own grand tournament with great cash prizes and door gifts of hair dyes (what else!)! It was sponsored by Peoples’ Association Active Ageing Section and organised by Geylang West CC Bridge Club. After a short welcoming speech by Convenor Lee Chin, 48 players with a combined age of over 3,000 years started the game. The event was won by Chia Chee Liong & Chia Beng Yang with SRC’s Shamim Moledina & Prof Yu Chun Yee in second place.
Mr Andrew Chen Wai Kwang PBM Chairman of GWCC gave away the prizes.

5. The Penang Bridge Spans to Singapore – 18th to 21st Oct
Batam in 2007, Kuantan/Cherating in 2008 and now – Penang.
Our annual SRC bridge escapade saw ten of us packing our bags to hop a Sunday flight to Penang. The famous Penang Bridge, impressive as it was, was not the kind of bridge we were too interested in. Not by a long shot.
We checked into our sea view rooms at the Orchid Copthorne just in time to catch the striking sunset from our balconies. Number 2 on everyone's list was, of course, the fabulous food. Just the smell was sufficient to make you gain weight!
Monday was a free day and some went sightseeing while others headed for the famous food niches (burp), and, of course, shopping. It was difficult to tell if we were still humans as the only sound that could be heard was "cheep cheep". By evening, we were eager to meet our Penang bridge counterparts for the first time at the Penang Sports Club. Dinner was kindly hosted by Dr. K. C. Goh and his wife Florence who had coordinated our trip. This was followed by a game which was roughly split into a "Penang" and a "Singapore" section via a straight Mitchell movement. Our section was won by Ron Savage and Dorothy Wong followed by a Penang-Singapore "rojak" pair of Ms. Barrett Eng and Zain Moledina. In the Penang section, we were extremely thrilled that the grand old lady of Penang, Ms Lorraine Lim (82 years and a smile to melt your heart) and our host Florence Goh were joint first with Dr. Hooi and Frank Kwong.  
Early next morning, we played an "open" match at Traders Hotel. This was won by our own Pat and N. W. Leong. Penang's Tan Sri Dr. Chin Fook Weng and Ms Lee Fee Khoon were 2nd followed by our steady pair of Ron Savage and Dorothy Wong. After a magnificent buffet spread, it was time to say farewell to our wonderful new found Malaysian friends.

6. People’s Association Marketplace of Courses – Oct 10
We sent 2 representatives – Zain and Shamim Moledina – to help SCBA in the above exhibition at Downtown East at Pasir Ris. The theme of the event was “Wellness for Everyone”. Bridge was one of perhaps 50 activities being demonstrated and attracted many queries. Some of the booths promoted healthy physical lifestyle like Wushu or Tai Chi and even Tae Kwon Do. Other focused on motor skills like “glass stacking” or “shaping balloon”. There were even salesmen who tried to get people to sign up for non-evidence based medical treatment!
The bridge booth was managed by SCBA’s Lilio Ho and Sugiato. The game was demonstrated mainly to elderly visitors who came by the busloads.

7.  SRC Divali Club Nite – 10th Oct
The bridge section partially subsidised members to attend this function. It was a good opportunity to meet fellow members and friends in an informal setting while supporting our club’s social agenda. 5 members signed up for a sumptuous buffet dinner, music, dances and games.
8. SRC Tuesday Bridge Results from Oct 6 to Nov 24       
DATE              FIRST                                                  SECOND                                THIRD               .
Oct 6           Yu/Ping                                    Zain/RonS                      Leong/Pat              
Oct 13         Shamim/Yu                               David/Edwin                   Rana/Ai Leng 
Oct 27         Nancy/RonOh                          Zain/CCChen                  Shamim/BengTee        
Nov 3          Zain/CCChen                            Jin Meng/Petrina              Dot/RonS             
Nov 10        Thomas/Perumal                       Zain/CCChen                  Karol/Pheck          
Nov 17        SSChang/Trevor                       Zain/Thomas                   Nancy/RonOh      
Nov 24        Leong/Pat                                 Shamim/Yu                    HongChoon/YuetWah          

9. Drury
Every bridge player who has partnered a compulsive “light” opener can sympathize with Douglas Drury. This American expert had the privilege (?) of having Eric Murray as a regular partner who would open in the third seat if he happens to have 13 cards. After suffering several 1100 penalties, Drury invented this convention. This allowed them to stop at the 2 level and only suffer minus 800! Now isn’t that just wonderful!

       1 A jack has one.
       2 Declarer should ____(4,3)
        what might go wrong.
       3 Type of redouble.
44 4 In teams, better to make the contract than ____ for the extra trick.
       7 Your 1NT opening bid will indicate it.
       8 Blackwood is a way to ____ (3) for 9-across.
       9 Some calls invite partner        
     _to ___ the bidding.
       10 Second hand play ____.
       13 Bidding box card.
       15 Doubled and re-doubled.
       16 Matchpoint result.
10. Crossword Puzzle from SRC Open Pairs 2009 (Answers 13)
Reprinted with the permission of Carlton Parker.




   5  Reason to call the Director. (6,5)
   6  What you need to get to the board (2,5).
   9  See 8-down (4).
11  Many U.S. bridge clubs are _____ by the Director.
12  Type of trick.
14  A major penalty card must be played as soon as _____ possible.
17  Reason to call the Director. (7,4)














Prepared by Carlton Parker    Edited by Zain Moledina

BROKEN BRIDG –JQK (jokes, quotes & krap)
11. Fowl Play (Thanksgiving Special Joke)
The national Bridge team was practicing when a large turkey came strutting onto the room and sat down at the table. “Do you mind if I play?”
The players initially humored the bird but pretty soon they were awestruck as the turkey bid perfectly and pulled off amazing plays.
This caught the team captain’s attention “You're terrific!!! Sign up for the team and we will play in the National League, I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus if we win."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is this. Does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

12. One Liners From Victor Mollo’s “Masters & Monsters”
 (In this issue of THE GRANDSLAM, I have modified and compiled some of the quotes from Victor Mollo’s “Masters & Monsters”. Many of us have grown up enjoying the exploits of his menagerie and I hope that this will inspire others to savor the full flavor in the books themselves).

Hideous Hog: Probability, playing rules, conventions and systems take the place of thinking. That is why they are so popular.

Hideous Hog: (He) is so bad that he admits to mistakes before he makes them

Hideous Hog: If you award Masterpoints for very good results then, logically, you should deduct them for very bad results.

Papa: I don’t understand why you couldn’t see my signal, partner. Everyone knows that a singleton is the top of nothing.

Papa: I am so good I can false card with a singleton.

Rueful Rabbit: Do you want to play Lavinthal or Odd-Even or natural discards?
T Toucan: Let’s play them all.

Papa: People shouldn’t be allowed to use conventions they don’t understand. It’s not fair to the opponents.

T Toucan: I know we agreed to lead A from AK. Sorry my fault. I promise to have the King next time.

Rueful Rabbit: Shall we play McKenney or Lavinthal discards.
( the same… ed)

Rueful Rabbit: At Grandslam, it was a little difficult to rectify the count.

Charlie Chimp: I can concentrate at will on all the hands except the one I am currently playing.

Rueful Rabbit: Some declarers have difficulty counting the opponent’s distribution. I have the same problem with Dummy’s distribution.

T Toucan: If I work very hard at it, I may be able to achieve mediocrity.

Karapet: Did I tell you about ….
Corgi: Yes

Karapet: I expect the worst in bridge and am rarely disappointed.

Karapet: I am so unlucky that in all my life, no one has ever revoked against me.

Karapet: Through constant practice, I have become an expert loser.

Hideous Hog: Nature is so unfair that I have to be the dummy over ten percent of the time. What a waste of my talent.

Hideous Hog: You made your Ace of trumps. What else can you possibly want?

Papa: Only at Duplicate you get a bottom for using safety plays.

O Owl: Better to play very badly than very good. If things go wrong you are in good company.

Hideous Hog: I am so good I only need a partner who can tell one suit from another.

Hideous Hog: Your bidding and card play are not on the same high level as the rest of your game.

Hideous Hog: I know no one whom I would rather see in charge of the dummy.

Hideous Hog:  I will bid natural and you bid “Big Minor”. When you have a NT opening, you call 1C and I will bid your NT. If you have a major, bid 1D and I will bid your major. This way you will not get the stress of being declarer.

Papa: I am the better side and we know it.

Hideous Hog: My partner plus 12 sure tricks equals 11.

Hideous Hog: I am such a fine player, no one can deny my right to be rude.

Hideous Hog: It is blatant insubordination. How dare you bid NT and becomes declarer.

Hideous Hog: I do not doubt your luck and I know no one who needs it more than you.

Hideous Hog: Of course I always hold much better cards than you do. Being declarer is part of my system.

Hideous Hog: My point count system? Extra for long suit, extra for short suit and 3 points for my superb play.

Hideous Hog: The opening lead should always run up to the stronger player.

13. Answers : Crossword Puzzle from SRC Open Pairs 2009
Across:       5. FOULED BOARD      6. AN ENTRY      9. ACES                11. OWNED        
                   12. OVER                       14. LEGALLY      17. EXPOSED CARD
Down:         1. POINT                       2. PLAN FOR       3. SOS                  4. TRY       
                   7. RANGE                      8. ASK                 9. ADVANCE      
                   10. LOW                        13. ALERT           15. XXX                16. TOP

14 JQK till you Drop
For the LARGEST COLLECTION of Bridge Jokes, Quotes and Krap in the WHOLE WORLD (no joke!), visit These are extracted from past issues of THE GRANDSLAM. If you want to read the articles and puzzles as well, visit THE GRANDSLAM archives at To subscribe or unsubscribe to this free newsletter, pls send email to address below.
Zain Moledina, SRC Bridge Editor
December 1, 2009,