The Grandslam #58 Dec09/Jan10

THE GRANDSLAM

SRC BRIDGE SECTION NEWSLETTER

                                    December 2009/January 2010 ISSUE #58

                               (Victor Mollo’s Special Jokes Issue)

1. Message from the Convenor – Shamim Moledina

Often overlooked when we have our special tournaments are the people who work behind the scenes. I walked in early at our pair’s event and saw Carl standing quietly sharpening pencils. When Zain requested him to do the crossword this time, he readily accepted the challenge. Then there is BK with his ever ready camera and Pat and Dot always willing and eager to resolve the many last minute things that have to done. One phone call to Florence and she was there to do the scoring. These members and so many others I have left out form the backbone of our section. And of course our hard working F & B group who arranges our layout and food and the PR department who do the logistics. Thank you all.

2. SRC 10^th Annual Open Pairs – the Moledina Trophy – Nov 15

Our 10^th anniversary tournament could well be called a tournament of many firsts. We had a record 9 pairs comprising of 1 or 2 SRC members which also swept the top 3 positions and also 5 of the top 7! What a great way to celebrate our first decade! It was also the first time our traditional bridge Crossword Puzzle was superbly developed by Carlton Parker and for the first time we had a repeat winner – Trevor Li. Yet another first was the formation of an Appeals Committee comprised of 3 Certified Directors – Karol Crouse, Carlton Parker and Zain Moledina -- to ensure that the tournament complies to the highest of standards. What was not new was the tournament format of 36 boards Howell Movement which ensured that every pair played against every other except one.

The tournament went off smoothly under the calm, cool and able directorship of Howard Haythornthwaite with Florence Tan as the scorer.

Convenor Shamim Moledina in her opening address thanked the SRC Management Committee for their unwavering support over past decade and well as the bridge committee, section members and regular supporters. This year in particular, Steven Chew arranged door gifts for everyone from food supplier QBB. Social Chairman Richard Yong who has always solidly supported the Bridge Section kindly consented to give away the prizes.

1^st Dorothy Wong (SRC) & Ron Savage 

2^nd Zain Moledina (SRC) & Dr. Trevor Li
3^rd Shamim Moledina (SRC) & Prof Yu Chun Yee (SRC) 1^st in SRC Section 

4^th Dr Thomas Wong & Prof C C Chen  

5^th R Perumal & KG Srinivasan
6^th Pat Leong (SRC) & N W Leong (SRC) 2^nd in SRC Section
7^th Adelene de Rosa (SRC) & Hilda Tan (SRC) 3^rd in SRC Section

3. KKCC Official Opening and Inaugural Open Pairs – 1^st Nov

A warm welcome and congratulations goes to Kampong Kembangan Community Club on their official opening of the Bridge Club. Convenor Ron Savage and his staff organised a 12 Table 44 Board Tournament starting at 10am. The prizes were handed out by MP Dr Ong Seh Hong and Kg Kembanagan CCMC chairman Mr Neo Tiam Boon. The overall winners were Kelvin Ng & Lam Cheng Yen. However SRC managed to win the Mixed Pair category through Prof. Yu Chun Yee & Zhang Ping as well as the KKCC category through Dorothy Wong & B.K. Tham.

4. Active Ageing Contract Bridge Tournament @ GWCC – 25^th Oct

Those under 50 need not apply! Yes oldies finally have their own grand tournament with great cash prizes and door gifts of hair dyes (what else!)! It was sponsored by Peoples’ Association Active Ageing Section and organised by Geylang West CC Bridge Club. After a short welcoming speech by Convenor Lee Chin, 48 players with a combined age of over 3,000 years started the game. The event was won by Chia Chee Liong & Chia Beng Yang with SRC’s Shamim Moledina & Prof Yu Chun Yee in second place.

Mr Andrew Chen Wai Kwang PBM Chairman of GWCC gave away the prizes.

5. The Penang Bridge Spans to Singapore – 18^th to 21^st Oct

Batam in 2007, Kuantan/Cherating in 2008 and now – Penang.

Our annual SRC bridge escapade saw ten of us packing our bags to hop a Sunday flight to Penang. The famous Penang Bridge, impressive as it was, was not the kind of bridge we were too interested in. Not by a long shot.

We checked into our sea view rooms at the Orchid Copthorne just in time to catch the striking sunset from our balconies. Number 2 on everyone's list was, of course, the fabulous food. Just the smell was sufficient to make you gain weight!

Monday was a free day and some went sightseeing while others headed for the famous food niches (burp), and, of course, shopping. It was difficult to tell if we were still humans as the only sound that could be heard was "cheep cheep". By evening, we were eager to meet our Penang bridge counterparts for the first time at the Penang Sports Club. Dinner was kindly hosted by Dr. K. C. Goh and his wife Florence who had coordinated our trip. This was followed by a game which was roughly split into a "Penang" and a "Singapore" section via a straight Mitchell movement. Our section was won by Ron Savage and Dorothy Wong followed by a Penang-Singapore "rojak" pair of Ms. Barrett Eng and Zain Moledina. In the Penang section, we were extremely thrilled that the grand old lady of Penang, Ms Lorraine Lim (82 years and a smile to melt your heart) and our host Florence Goh were joint first with Dr. Hooi and Frank Kwong.  

Early next morning, we played an "open" match at Traders Hotel. This was won by our own Pat and N. W. Leong. Penang's Tan Sri Dr. Chin Fook Weng and Ms Lee Fee Khoon were 2nd followed by our steady pair of Ron Savage and Dorothy Wong. After a magnificent buffet spread, it was time to say farewell to our wonderful new found Malaysian friends.

6. People’s Association Marketplace of Courses – Oct 10

We sent 2 representatives – Zain and Shamim Moledina – to help SCBA in the above exhibition at Downtown East at Pasir Ris. The theme of the event was “Wellness for Everyone”. Bridge was one of perhaps 50 activities being demonstrated and attracted many queries. Some of the booths promoted healthy physical lifestyle like Wushu or Tai Chi and even Tae Kwon Do. Other focused on motor skills like “glass stacking” or “shaping balloon”. There were even salesmen who tried to get people to sign up for non-evidence based medical treatment!

The bridge booth was managed by SCBA’s Lilio Ho and Sugiato. The game was demonstrated mainly to elderly visitors who came by the busloads.

7.  SRC Divali Club Nite – 10^th Oct

The bridge section partially subsidised members to attend this function. It was a good opportunity to meet fellow members and friends in an informal setting while supporting our club’s social agenda. 5 members signed up for a sumptuous buffet dinner, music, dances and games.

8. SRC Tuesday Bridge Results from Oct 6 to Nov 24       

DATE              FIRST                                                  SECOND                                THIRD               .

Oct 6           Yu/Ping                                    Zain/RonS                      Leong/Pat              

Oct 13         Shamim/Yu                               David/Edwin                   Rana/Ai Leng 

Oct 27         Nancy/RonOh                          Zain/CCChen                  Shamim/BengTee        

Nov 3          Zain/CCChen                            Jin Meng/Petrina              Dot/RonS             

Nov 10        Thomas/Perumal                       Zain/CCChen                  Karol/Pheck          

Nov 17        SSChang/Trevor                       Zain/Thomas                   Nancy/RonOh      

Nov 24        Leong/Pat                                 Shamim/Yu                    HongChoon/YuetWah          

9. Drury

Every bridge player who has partnered a compulsive “light” opener can sympathize with Douglas Drury. This American expert had the privilege (?) of having Eric Murray as a regular partner who would open in the third seat if he happens to have 13 cards. After suffering several 1100 penalties, Drury invented this convention. This allowed them to stop at the 2 level and only suffer minus 800! Now isn’t that just wonderful!

DOWN        1 A jack has one.        2 Declarer should ____(4,3)         what might go wrong.        3 Type of redouble. 44 4 In teams, better to make the contract than ____ for the extra trick.        7 Your 1NT opening bid will indicate it.        8 Blackwood is a way to ____ (3) for 9-across.        9 Some calls invite partner              _to ___ the bidding.        10 Second hand play ____.        13 Bidding box card.        15 Doubled and re-doubled.        16 Matchpoint result.

10. Crossword Puzzle from SRC Open Pairs 2009 (Answers 13)

Reprinted with the permission of Carlton Parker.

	1		2				3		4	ACROSS    5  Reason to call the Director. (6,5)    6  What you need to get to the board (2,5).    9  See 8-down (4). 11  Many U.S. bridge clubs are _____ by the Director. 12  Type of trick. 14  A major penalty card must be played as soon as _____ possible. 17  Reason to call the Director. (7,4)
5
6					7					8
							9
10			11
12									13
				14
	15		16
17

Prepared by Carlton Parker    Edited by Zain Moledina

^BR_OK^EN B^RI_DG –JQK (jokes, quotes & krap)

11. Fowl Play (Thanksgiving Special Joke)

The national Bridge team was practicing when a large turkey came strutting onto the room and sat down at the table. “Do you mind if I play?”

The players initially humored the bird but pretty soon they were awestruck as the turkey bid perfectly and pulled off amazing plays.

This caught the team captain’s attention “You're terrific!!! Sign up for the team and we will play in the National League, I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus if we win."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is this. Does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

12. One Liners From Victor Mollo’s “Masters & Monsters”

 (In this issue of THE GRANDSLAM, I have modified and compiled some of the quotes from Victor Mollo’s “Masters & Monsters”. Many of us have grown up enjoying the exploits of his menagerie and I hope that this will inspire others to savor the full flavor in the books themselves).

Hideous Hog: Probability, playing rules, conventions and systems take the place of thinking. That is why they are so popular.

Hideous Hog: (He) is so bad that he admits to mistakes before he makes them

Hideous Hog: If you award Masterpoints for very good results then, logically, you should deduct them for very bad results.

Papa: I don’t understand why you couldn’t see my signal, partner. Everyone knows that a singleton is the top of nothing.

Papa: I am so good I can false card with a singleton.

Rueful Rabbit: Do you want to play Lavinthal or Odd-Even or natural discards?

T Toucan: Let’s play them all.

Papa: People shouldn’t be allowed to use conventions they don’t understand. It’s not fair to the opponents.

T Toucan: I know we agreed to lead A from AK. Sorry my fault. I promise to have the King next time.

Rueful Rabbit: Shall we play McKenney or Lavinthal discards.

( the same… ed)

Rueful Rabbit: At Grandslam, it was a little difficult to rectify the count.

Charlie Chimp: I can concentrate at will on all the hands except the one I am currently playing.

Rueful Rabbit: Some declarers have difficulty counting the opponent’s distribution. I have the same problem with Dummy’s distribution.

T Toucan: If I work very hard at it, I may be able to achieve mediocrity.

Karapet: Did I tell you about ….

Corgi: Yes

Karapet: I expect the worst in bridge and am rarely disappointed.

Karapet: I am so unlucky that in all my life, no one has ever revoked against me.

Karapet: Through constant practice, I have become an expert loser.

Hideous Hog: Nature is so unfair that I have to be the dummy over ten percent of the time. What a waste of my talent.

Hideous Hog: You made your Ace of trumps. What else can you possibly want?

Papa: Only at Duplicate you get a bottom for using safety plays.

O Owl: Better to play very badly than very good. If things go wrong you are in good company.

Hideous Hog: I am so good I only need a partner who can tell one suit from another.

Hideous Hog: Your bidding and card play are not on the same high level as the rest of your game.

Hideous Hog: I know no one whom I would rather see in charge of the dummy.

Hideous Hog:  I will bid natural and you bid “Big Minor”. When you have a NT opening, you call 1C and I will bid your NT. If you have a major, bid 1D and I will bid your major. This way you will not get the stress of being declarer.

Papa: I am the better side and we know it.

Hideous Hog: My partner plus 12 sure tricks equals 11.

Hideous Hog: I am such a fine player, no one can deny my right to be rude.

Hideous Hog: It is blatant insubordination. How dare you bid NT and becomes declarer.

Hideous Hog: I do not doubt your luck and I know no one who needs it more than you.

Hideous Hog: Of course I always hold much better cards than you do. Being declarer is part of my system.

Hideous Hog: My point count system? Extra for long suit, extra for short suit and 3 points for my superb play.

Hideous Hog: The opening lead should always run up to the stronger player.

13. Answers : Crossword Puzzle from SRC Open Pairs 2009

Across:       5. FOULED BOARD      6. AN ENTRY      9. ACES                11. OWNED        

                   12. OVER                       14. LEGALLY      17. EXPOSED CARD

Down:         1. POINT                       2. PLAN FOR       3. SOS                  4. TRY       

                   7. RANGE                      8. ASK                 9. ADVANCE      

                   10. LOW                        13. ALERT           15. XXX                16. TOP

14 JQK till you Drop

For the LARGEST COLLECTION of Bridge Jokes, Quotes and Krap in the WHOLE WORLD (no joke!), visit http://bridgejokes.blogspot.com. These are extracted from past issues of THE GRANDSLAM. If you want to read the articles and puzzles as well, visit THE GRANDSLAM archives at http://bridge-newsletter.blogspot.com. To subscribe or unsubscribe to this free newsletter, pls send email to address below.

Zain Moledina, SRC Bridge Editor

December 1, 2009, zaris@singnet.com.sg