Grandslam #30

THE GRANDSLAM
SRC BRIDGE SECTION NEWSLETTER
MAR/APR 05 ISSUE #30

Message from the Convenor – Shamim Moledina

With this 30th issue of the GRANDSLAM we also commemorate the completion of 5 years as a Bridge Section of SRC. It is a little frightening to look beyond that point in time. A time when bridge was barely an “activity” here with perhaps 2 players and a handful of “graduates” from the Beginner class. It is so heartening to see these same people occasionally beating their “teacher” in tournaments!

I am happy to announce that we have registered a team for the 2005 Inter-club for the first time. Unfortunately, 2 of our most experienced members have already been seconded to play for other teams. Nevertheless, our objectives are to make a start and to gain experience. If we also manage to do well, that will be a bonus. We have called ourselves “Odyssey” because, without doubt, we expect a lot of challenges along the way. Hopefully, not “aimless wandering” as BK says! I am grateful to Zain for putting aside his personal objectives and agreeing to head our team and to BK (Deputy Captain) for his tireless effort to prop up the group.

2. Five Years of THE GRANDSLAM by Zain

The decision to have a bridge newsletter was made at the very first meeting of the ad-hoc Bridge Section. While the club’s RECs magazine could briefly cover major tournaments and activities, it was felt that a section newsletter would keep our members and bridge friends more fully informed on the numerous other section activities, committee decisions and minor tournaments that our members participate in.
Based on readers’ feedback, this basic format was later expanded to include articles, history, events, puzzles and jokes.
Initially, the puzzle section covered interesting hands I had personally played. As these instructional hands are commonly available in bridge books and bridge columns, the puzzle section evolved into a more varied format with crosswords, Q&A, strange hands and even puzzle jokes. After the “peeping duck” puzzle joke, I actually overhead someone call the declarer those words after he banged down the A & K and dropped a doubleton queen against the odds, establishing the Jack.
Needless to say, the jokes are the most popular part of the newsletter … c’est la vie! Where do they come from? About a quarter are shamelessly lifted directly from the Internet. About half are non-bridge jokes that I have modified to fit into the bridge context. The rest I invent myself.
Happy reading!

3. CSC Lunar New Year Special - 12 Feb
18 Pairs took part in the CNY celebrations at Chinese Swimming Club.

1st T S Lu & Lilio Ho (SCBA) 60.9%
2nd Zain Moledina & Richard Lim (SRC) 60.2%
3rd Robin Fong & Luk Eric (CSC) 59.6%
4th Greta Chai & Jane Choo (SCBA) 59.1%

4. SGCC Loving Hearts – 13 Feb

12 Pairs participated at this Valentine Invitational at Serangoon Gardens.
1st Peng Huat & Ron Quan
2nd Carlton Parker & Chris Wong (SRC)
3rd Alan Chua & Suan Lin

5. History of Bridge – The Original 4 Suits
In Europe, the four suits did not appear until mid 14th century in France. They were originally used in Tarot Cards as the Holy Grail symbols according to Dan Brown in “The Da Vinci Code”.
Spades were Swords denoting the Blade -- the “Male”
Hearts were Cups denoting the Chalice - the “Feminine”
Diamonds were Pentacles (5-pointed star) denoting the Goddess – the Sacred Feminine
Clubs were Sceptres denoting the Royal Line – the Flowering Staff.
The references to the Grail were replaced by the relative importance of the various classes in the Middle Ages.
Royalty or Military as Spades
Clergy as Hearts
Merchants as Diamonds
Peasants as Clubs
In India, the Hindu four-caste system was also reflected in the cards. The suits denoted Brahmin (priest), Kshatriya (warrior),
Vaishya (trader/producer) and Shudra (labourer).
Next time you shuffle a pack of cards, take a second to ponder the rich heritage that is passing through your fingers.

6. Quotes From Literature – Signal

Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness
- The Theologian’s Tale, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I have the right to be blind sometimes
I really do not see the signal
- At the Battle of Copenhagen, Horatio, Lord Nelson

How can I tell the signals and the signs?
By which one heart another heart divines?
- Emma and Eginhard, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

7. Did You Know?
Holland teaches bridge as a subject in public schools.

8. SRC Tuesday Bridge Results – 2nd Nov to Dec 28th
DATE Pairs FIRST SECOND THIRD
Jan 4 10 BK/Helen Shamim/Yu Carl/Zain
Jan 11 9 Kan/Nick Rahim/RonS = PengHuat/RonO
Jan 18 10 Chia/Molly Carl/Yu Leong/Pat=Koh/RonO
Jan 21* 13 PengHuat/RonO Shamim/Zain Carl/Chris
Jan 25 12 John/Rae David/EngChoo Chia/Jenny
Feb 1 10 Rahim/RonS David/EngChoo BK/Helen
Feb 10**11 Dorothy/RonS Lucy/Shamim Yu/Ping
Feb 15 10 Yu/Ping Shamim/BK PengHuat/RonO
Feb 22 6 David/Adrain Pat/Helen Chai/Jenny
* Hari Raya Special ** Chinese NY Special

9. Beginner Bridge Class
A Beginner class will commence on 8th April. There is no charge for SRC members and a nominal charge for guests. A new shorter format is being used for the first time with the emphasis on play. On completion of this course and based on the response, a follow-up course may be held to formalise the bidding and expand the scope. Sign up your friends!

10. Puzzle -- Silent Partner (sneaky)
West handled the dummy with flawless technique and overcame several bad breaks to fulfill his five-club contract. What was West’s occupation? (Answer below)

11. Bridge Puzzle – 1SXXC With No Honours (tough)
Can you create a bridge hand where North/South makes 1SXX (Redoubled) against ANY defense? The catch? N/S hands must have NO honour cards at all – no Aces, Kings, Queens, Jacks and Tens. For the masochists amongst you, can you figure out how such a bid could have logically (?) come about? (Answer below)

L I g h t e r S I d e O f B r I d g e

12. Timely Wish
A very old bridge player died and went to heaven. There he met God who said to him “I have been watching you play bridge for 50 years and never once in your life did you ever get angry with your partner. I am impressed. I will therefore grant you one wish.”

The old man replied “What you say is true. But how is it possible that you can watch me for 50 years when you also have to watch everyone else in the universe as well.”

God replied “Your 50 years is a but tiny fraction of a second to me. Now tell me your wish.”
The old man replied “I want to be the best bridge player in Heaven.”

God smiled and replied “Your wish is granted … in a minute.”

13. Special Bidding Cards
We occasionally use the “STOP” and “ALERT” cards. But there are times when you really need something to protect yourself against the worst opponent on the table – your wonderful partner!

“BOZO THE CLOWN” Card : To be used only once per person per tournament. It allows your partner to retract his idiotic bid without penalty and try again.

“GUILOTTINE” Card : To be used when your crazy partner makes a vulnerable sacrifice against non-vulnerable opponents. It incurs a 1-trick penalty but disallows the opponents from doubling.

“UNDOUBLE” Card : When your confused partner passes your “Take Out” Double. The Double is cancelled with 1 trick penalty.

“POOL OF VOMIT” Card : When your partner jumps to game on your psyche bid. The hand is cancelled and you get just average minus.

14. Bridge and Money
The best investment I ever made in my life is teaching my wife how to play bridge. She plays terribly but who cares! I must have saved a fortune keeping her away from shopping.

15. Quotes from George Burns
Those of us who grew up in the 60s will remember straight faced, cigar smoking George Burns. Together with his zany wife, Gracie, they were amongst the first to originate the TV comedy sitcom. As George got older, he specialised in “old age” jokes. Much less known is George’s passion for Bridge and we are fortunate to have a small legacy of his bridge jokes, a few of which are listed below.
“Bridge is my game and I play it seriously. Not well … just seriously.”

“I still lose my temper sometimes when I’m playing – that’s one of the only parts I have left to lose.”

“Now, I also have this belief I can only get mad at people I love; if I don’t care about them, why should I get angry?”

“One day I was playing bridge with a new member of my club. He made a foolish move and maybe I overreacted and said some things I shouldn’t have said. He got up and promised, “Mr. Burns, I’ll never talk to you again,” then walked out of the room. He couldn’t do that to me. “Listen,” I yelled after him, you don’t know me well enough not to talk to me again.”

“I did try to teach Gracie how to play bridge. Believe me, it would have been easier to teach her how to build a bridge.”

16. Creative Counting
If God wanted us to play Bridge, he would have given us 13 fingers.

17. Reverse Logic
Of course I can play Reverse Bids, partner. Any idiot knows how to open Club One.

18. Songs of Bridge

Bridge Over Troubled Water — Bridge cruise to exciting destinations like Iraq, Afghanistan and North Korea.

It’s Not Unusual — partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2 NT bid.

Monday, Monday — what you wish for after losing Sunday’s game.

Somethin’ Stupid — whichever line of play you decide to take.

Till the End of Time — normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.

19. Puzzle Answer -- Silent Partner

Ventriloquist! Mr. George West had signed a contract to perform with his dummy at five different nightclubs, which he managed to fulfill despite some hardships. Did I mention bridge? Read it again.

20. Answer to Bridge Puzzle – 1SXXC With No Honours

S 9 8 7 6 5 1S makes on a cross-ruff
H void with a red card lead. If CA
D void is led, it must be allowed to
C 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 win to avoid being stuck in
S void S A K Q J T dummy after 3 ruffs in hand
H Q J T 9 8 7 H A K
D Q J T 9 8 7 D A K Try to imagine this bidding
C A C K Q J T scenario! S opens a psychic
S 4 3 2 1S and W with a 4-loser
H 6 5 4 3 2 hand, doubles. While N is
D 6 5 4 3 2 thinking, over-excited E
C void bids out of turn. His partner
W is now barred from the auction. N (with good trump support and a 6-loser hand!) redoubles. W, confused about who exactly is barred (“I didn’t do anything wrong, how can I be barred?”) now bids out of turn and therefore his partner, E, is now also barred from bidding. S, with nowhere to run, passes. (Puzzle copyright to Technology Review)

21. The Broken Whine
Disagreement is the shortest cut between two minds -- Kahlil Gibran

22. Foul Ball

Of course Bridge is a sport. In fact, there is more swearing and cursing in bridge than in a football locker room.

23. Daffy-nit-shuns : Bath Coup

Bath Coup — getting to use the tub before your roommate.

24. Daffy-nit-shuns : Doubleton

Doubleton — 4,000 pounds.

25. Bridge Limerick - Bess

There once was a lady named Bess,
Who found a new way to finesse.
She made up excuses
To lead up to deuces,
And loses without having to guess!

26. Till the End of Time

Millions long for immortality. Yet on a rainy Sunday, have nothing better to do than to watch TV and shop (or play bridge?).

Zain Moledina
Editor
zaris@pacific.net.sg
March 1st 2005