The Grandslam #55 June/July 09

THE GRANDSLAM
SRC BRIDGE SECTION NEWSLETTER
June/July 09 ISSUE #55
(Special Partner Jokes Edition)

This issue of THE GRANDSLAM was released 2 weeks early as yours truly will be out of town for a month.

1. Message from the Convenor – Zain Moledina
My term as your Convenor will end on 19th July. Phew! All my hair would have turned grey if it wasn’t for the fact that they decided to fall off first.
I believe it has been a term that has raised the bar. I will just mention the majors. We won both our Division and the Swiss Consolation in the National League and also lifted the Premier League Cup which is played between private clubs in Singapore. Although we rarely enter major pair events, we did well with a 2nd in the Singapore Imps Championship, 3rd in the Pesta Sukan Open Pairs and 3rd in the Easter Congress Mixed Pairs. With the recently adopted guidelines on sponsorship, we hope to participate more in future.
In THE GRANDSLAM’s JQK section, we often make fun of “partners”. But of course, we ourselves are “partners”. So as a parting (partnering?) shot, I like to pay tribute to a very special and underemphasized category of partners – non-SRC members. This being an SRC newsletter, we naturally highlight achievements of our members. However, these other individuals play a vital role by supporting our events, providing expertise and challenge and, of course, achieving great results partnering our members. Their contributions should never be marginalized. There are so many of them but during my term as Convenor, these 5 have stood out -- Prof C C Chen, Dr. Trevor Li, Caio Feilhaber, Zhang Ping and Ron Savage. Thank you for your contributions and hope one day you can join us.

2. Easter Congress Mixed Pairs – 10th April morning
Early riser and sole SRC representative Prof Yu managed to attain an excellent result in the above event at SCBA. Well Done!
1st Alan Sia & Kimiko Endo 69.6% 2nd Rajendra Khrishnan & Ayako Shimazaki 59.8%
3rd Zhang Ping & Prof Yu Chun Yee (SRC) 57.1%

3. Good Friday Special – 10th April afternoon
A relaxing afternoon event was disrupted by the loss of the movement charts. After a scramble to the internet, the game eventually started a half hour late. Fortunately all was forgotten as the players eventually dug into the fried fish and chicken curry dinner. PS: we found the charts.
1st Zhang Ping/Yu Chun Yee (SRC) 65.3% 2nd Thomas Wong/Zain Moledina (SRC) 61.1%
3rd Chew Ai Leng/Ronnie Oh 54.2%

4. National Bridge League 2009 – Update
SRC Dreamers League Results against:-
Blue Moon Won 23-7 March 21st
Congenital Optimists Won 17-13 April 18th
X-Men Draw 15-15 April 19th

Knockout Cup Results
1st Round Won NUSS (Red) 4th April
2nd Round Lost BTCC “C” 16th May
5. Premier League – Update
This year, we are unable to utilise 3 of our key players. We are currently a distant 2nd.
We have just one match to go and our results to date are:-
Siglap CC Won 17-13 March 29th
Singapore Island CC Won 21-9 April 9th
Serangoon Gardens CC Won 18-12 April 12th
National University of Sgp S Won 23-7 April 26th
Chinese Swimming Club Lost 16-14 May 8th
Keppel Club Won 25-1 May 10th

6. SRC Bridge Section 10th AGM – July 19th 12pm to 2pm
All Section members are invited to our Bridge Section’s 10th Annual General Meeting. Do join us for a buffet lunch, meet your bridge friends and vote for next year’s committee. You will be sent a personal invitation in mid June.

7. SRC 9th Open Teams – The President’s Trophy -- July 19th 2.30pm to 10pm
Don’t miss our Annual Open Teams! This event of the year uses a most exciting team format. 4 boards are played in each of the 9 rounds against every other team. The running score is displayed after every round. It is pure excitement! Invitation flyers will be sent out soon. Watch for it! Entries close at 10 teams.

8. Devil's Playground?
Cards have always been associated with gambling and even today, it takes an enlightened parent to allow his or her child to handle cards; even to learn an intellectual game like Bridge.
Throughout history cards have been called all sorts of names including Devil’s Picture Book or Devil's Tickets (one-way to hell, I presume). There have also been many attempts to ban cards. King John, the Parliament of Paris, the Provost of Paris and the Synod of Langres all tried to do so and succeeded to some extent. St. Bernardino went one step further by organising a card burning campaign!
The most interesting case was the Puritans who objected to the court cards because the "graven image" violated the 2nd Commandment. However a loophole allowed some to go ahead and substitute those face cards with inanimate objects and people went on playing merrily!
Fortunately (or is that unfortunately?), it is not uncommon to re-interpret holy books and the pendulum is perhaps starting to swing the other way. There is even a series of humorous bridge books by David Bird on monks playing bridge! Ruefully hideous, no doubt!

9. Lowest Scores – Major Board-a-Match Tournament
During a board-a-match Greater New York Tournament in 1975 comprising of 74 teams, one team played a round of 26 boards with 1 draw and 25 losses for a total score of just half a point!

10. An Incident that happened Playing with a Blind Player
In the last issue of THE GRANDSLAM, there was a short article on blind bridge players.
Karol Crouse sent in the following comment.
“I thought you might enjoy a funny that actually happened when I played against a blind player in Florida. He related a. story about asking the opponents to please call their own cards as they played them. The players broke up in laughter when his LHO made her opening lead innocently said "the singleton 5 of spades".

11. SRC Tuesday Bridge Results from April 7th to May 26th
DATE PAIRS FIRST SECOND THIRD .
Apr 7 10 Pat/Leong=Zain/Theresa BengTee/Teodor=Jane/Evelyn=Alex/Peng Huat
Apr 14 8 Carl/Chris Zain/Chen Isabel/Soh Hong
Apr 21 10 Zain/Chen Dot/Hilda RonS/DavidO
Apr 28 10 BengTee/Teodor Ping/Yu PengHuat/Chen
May 5 14 BK/Richard Zain/Chen Ping/Yu
May 12 16 Zain/Chen Karol/Pheck AiLeng/Rana

12. Who's Who In Bridge - Corporate Moguls
Every bridge player knows that both Bill Gates and Warren Buffet play a mean game of bridge. With over $50 billion between them, mere billionaires like Malcolm Forbes and Lawrence Tisch of CBS would just be small fries. No point mentioning measly multi-millionaires as the list would be way too long.

13. Puzzle: Lowest HCP needed to Defeat all Small Slams (medium)
In the last issue’s puzzle, we saw that a specific hand with 35HCP was insufficient to defeat all small slams. Now for the opposite! What is the lowest HCP hand that is sure of defeating all Small Slams?


BROKEN BRIDG –JQK (jokes, quotes & krap)
14. Prone Position
There was an old man named Bill who played bridge every week with his partner Fred. His wife always commented on how unhappy he looked after the game. But one day he came home looking really happy.His wife asked, "What's the matter Bill? You always seem so miserable after bridge and today you are smiling"Bill said, "Well actually, something terrible did happen. Fred had a heart attack and died halfway through the match""Oh Dear “said his wife, rushing to comfort him, "that must have been terrible!""Not too bad" he said, "I still came in 3rd

15. No Kidding
How many bridge partner jokes are there?Just two, all the rest are true.

16. Contract not Contact Bridge
Bridge has proved that you can sit for hours in front of somebody without once making eye contact.

17. Unique Quality
One good partner is better than ten average ones.

18. Sticky Problem
They have invented this skin patch that will immediately cure depression. I tested it out during my Bridge session and it worked perfectly. All you need to do is to peel away the backing and stick it across your partner's mouth.
19. Deafening Silence
When a wise partner holds his tongue, he says more than then when he speaks.

20. Leapin’ Lizards
What's the difference between my partner and a trampoline?I have to take off my shoes before 1 jump on a trampoline.

21. Daffy-nit-shuns : Mixed Emotions
Mixed Emotions: Winning a Tournament with your Partner

22. SOS Redouble
Joe: “HELP, HELP MY BRIDGE PARTNER IS DROWNING”
Passer-by: “Is there something I can do?”
Joe: “Can you swim?”
Passer-by: “Sure”
Joe: “Uh… no thanks … HELP, HELP MY BRIDGE PARTNER IS DROWNING”

23. Right on Track
“I can’t believe they arrested me. It was an accident. I wasn’t driving fast. I did not see my partner crossing the road until it was too late. Of course everybody knows that not all accidents have skid marks”.

24. That Sinking Feeling
Joe: I hate my Partner
Sam: Why don’t you find another one?
Joe: No use. Changing partners is like changing cabins on the Titanic.

25. Nutting at All
What is the difference between my partner and an idiot in an asylum?
The asylum.

26. No Deal
What's the difference between my partner and a terrorist?You can sometimes reason with a terrorist.

27. How’s That Again?
If you cannot annoy your partner, there is little point in playing Bridge.

28. Moo-dy Blues
I could play bridge with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather play bridge with the cows until you come home. (Grouch Marx … sort of)

29. Tongue-Tied
The doctor says to the patient, "Please stick your tongue out and let me see”
The patient complies.
The doctor inspects the throat and says “Now do the same at the man who is waiting outside on your right”
"What will that do?" asks the patient.
The doctor says, "I'm mad at my bridge partner"

30. Carrying On
Playing Bridge with my partner is as much fun as moving a piano.

31. Problem Solving
What should you do when your partner is buried up to his neck in sand?
Get more sand.

32. Puzzle Answer: Lowest HCP to Defeat Small Slam
This 18-point hand (and its mirrors) will defeat all small slams.
S: J10987 H: QJ109 D: AK C: AK
In any trump contract, 2 winners are assured. In NT, only 4 top tricks are available to declarer before the carnage occurs. Easy isn’t it? Once you have seen the answer!

33. JQK till you Drop
For the LARGEST COLLECTION of Bridge Jokes, Quotes and Krap in the WHOLE WORLD (no joke!), visit http://bridgejokes.blogspot.com/. These are extracted from past issues of THE GRANDSLAM. If you want to read the articles and puzzles as well, visit THE GRANDSLAM archives at http://bridge-newsletter.blogspot.com/
Zain Moledina, SRC Bridge Section Convenor
May 17, 2009, zaris@singnet.com.sg