Grandslam #46

THE GRANDSLAM
SRC BRIDGE SECTION NEWSLETTER
December 07/January 08 ISSUE #46
SPECIAL PARTNER ISSUE
1. Message from the Convenor – Shamim Moledina
After a lapse of 3 years, SRC has once again won back our Open Pairs Trophy and second place to boot! On top of that, both Carl and Zain are now certified Tournament Directors. Wow! What a month! Details below.
This being a “special partner issue”, you will see a bumper crop of partner jokes. Go ahead and laugh but don’t forget that you are a partner too. One of the joys of playing with a stronger partner is to watch him execute a play that you know you could never have done. But too great a difference is frustrating for the stronger player and demoralizing for the weaker one. End result – no enjoyment of the game. And isn’t that the main reason we play?

2. SRC Gets 2 Certified TD – Referee No More Kayu
We are extremely pleased to announce that both Carlton Parker and Zain Moledina have been officially certified as Tournament Directors by the Singapore Contract Bridge Association which is affiliated to the World Bridge Federation.
Earlier this year, for the first time, the Bridge Section decided to sponsor 2 candidates for the course conducted by Mr. Derrick Heng of SCBA, at the end of which was a written exam. Those who pass, had to further undergo a practical simulation test conducted jointly by SCBA President Steve Robinson and 2 of his staff – Ms Jane Choo and Derrick himself.
Last year, the SRC Bridge Committee had felt that professionalism in the running of bridge games in various clubs in Singapore (including SRC) left much to be desired. Often an experienced senior player with no formal directorship training is appointed as “director” for the match. In a complex intellectual game like bridge, there could be both obvious and subtle violations in procedures, bidding, play and even ethics. Therefore, comprehensive knowledge and precise interpretation of the rules is required to ensure that judgments and penalties are imposed fairly and in accordance with the rule of law.

3. I Ain’t No Dope
Bridge has finally hit the big time!! In one aspect at least, we are in the same league as Athletics, Swimming, Cycling, Gymnastics and many other sports. Yes! A Bridge player has been stripped of her silver medal for performance-enhancing drugs! Disa Eythorsdottir, a US professional bridge player, lost her silver medal from the World Champs in Canada for refusing to take a drug test. Disa claims that the drug she was taking was connected with a back condition or diet pills and might trigger a false positive reading. This is totally consistent with what many other drug cheats say. There were 2 earlier cases but no medals were involved.
Bridge is a non-playing Olympic-approved sport like Golf and therefore subjected to similar laws. Its players have had to face random drug testing at major world championships for the past several years. But how exactly does one's game improve by taking painkillers or steroids remains totally unclear. Maybe it keeps the mind alert. Then again it might build up muscles so one can effectively beat up one’s partners when a mistake is made! Who knows? Who cares?
If ever, in future, a drug cheat is found in another mind game like Chess ... just remember … we were number ONE!
4. SRC Bridge Beginner Course – Starting 22nd February
A Beginner course is scheduled for Friday nights from 7.30pm to 10pm starting 22nd Feb and runs for 8 lessons. The cost is bargain price of $80+ for guests and a subsidized rate of $45+ for SRC members. Get your friends to sign up. Please contact Siti 64307562 or Email siti.pr@src.org.sg on details and enrollment.

5. SRC 8th Annual Open Pairs Tournament Moledina Trophy – 25th November
After a lapse of 3 years and a couple of close shaves, SRC has once again won our premier event of the year ... with a vengeance! The winning score was 6% over the rest of the field and we also took 2nd and 5th places as icing on the cake!
The game started at 2.30pm with SRC Vice-President Captain Koh wishing the best to all the players, supplemented with some complimentary wine! Perhaps this had some effect to motivate the players to excel. Wisely, the bottles were not opened until after the completion of the tournament!  
The chilly hall did little to cool the hot competition as the 20-pairs 36-board event saw every pair clashing against every other pair but one. The tournament took a break at 6.30pm for an excellent dinner. (Our compliments to the SRC chefs and F & B staff) 
Position Pair Percent Prize
1st Zain Moledina & Shamim Moledina (SRC) 61.44 % 1st Open 
2nd Murli Vassanmal & Leong N.W (SRC) 55.04 %  1st SRC
3rd Tan Peng Huat & Trevor Li 54.99 %  2nd Open
4th Dr. Siak & Tanny Siak 54.96 %  3rd Open
5th B_K Tham & Richard Lim (SRC) 54.61 % 2nd SRC          
6th Ron Savage & Rahim Rahmat 54.22 %
7th Yung T.F. & Veronica Png 53.45 %
8th Caio Feilhaber & Alan Chua 50.43 %
9th Chris Wong & Carlton Parker (SRC) 50.22 %    3rd SRC
Thanks to Ms Jane Choo for her able directorship, Carlton for the scoring/movement and so many others who helped to make it a success.

6. SRC Divali Special – 8th November
In a friendly atmosphere of fun and food, 12 pairs celebrated Divali the way they liked best – playing bridge. Pairs with SRC players took 3 of the top 4 positions.
1st Ron Savage & Teodor Izmirev
Tied 2nd Shamim Moledina (SRC) & Dulari Uppal and Bijan & Murli Vassanmal (SRC)
4th Trevor Li & Zain Moledina (SRC)

7. SRC Tuesday Bridge Results from Sep 25th to Nov 27th
DATE FIRST SECOND THIRD .
25 Sep Carl/Chris Dot/RonS Yu/Ping 
2 Oct Shamim/Zain = Dot/RonS= Yu /Ping          
9 Oct Leong/Pat Yu/ Ping Adelene/Greg     
16 Oct Caio/Shamim Dot/RonS Leong/Pat         
23 Oct Shawn/Zain Peter/RonOh Koh/Alan      
30 Oct Trevor/Zain Henry/Bijon Yu/Ping 
6 Nov Shawn/Zain Leong/Pat = RonS/Teodor
13 Nov Carl/Chris Zain/Shamim Bijon/Peter   
20 Nov Dot/Greg BK/Richard Caio/Alan
27 Nov Shawn/Zain Yu/Ping Caio/Chong

8. CSC In-House Individual – 18th November
We are pleased to announce that some of our members who are also members of Chinese Swimming Club once again did very well. Individual bridge events require the player to communicate simply yet effectively and be able to adapt to his different partner’s style and ability. Well done BK and Leong who topped the field of 24 players!
1st B. K. Tham 2nd Sng Tze Cheow 3rd Leong Ngai Weng

9. Bridge Crossword from SRC’s 8th Annual Pairs




1 2 3 4 5 6
7
8 9

10 11 12

13 14 15
16
17 18 19

20 21
Copyright : Zain Moledina
DOWN
1 By _____ (11) the boards, both sections in a large tournament play the same hands
2 Highest “suit” (7)
4 Lowest suit (5)
5 Without a safe exit card you maybe ____ (3) played
6 One level below game in a major (5, 6)
7 When a finesse works, declarer will usually ____ (3) it again
11 A 5C response to Blackwood could mean partner has ____ (3) the aces
12 A ____ (7) card is often the first card discarded
14 New partnerships have to ____ (5) on which conventions to play
16 Top gun
18 A void in a suit means you have ____ (3)
BROKEN BRIDG –JQK (jokes, quotes & krap)

10. Five Reason why Bridge is better
1. Nobody expects you to give up bridge if your partner loses interest in it
Your partner will never say, “Not again, we just played bridge yesterday!
Your partner will never say “Is Bridge all you ever think about?"
Your partner will not complain if you finish quickly.
Nobody expects you to play bridge with the same partner for the rest of your life
11. A Grand Pun
What did the husband say to his wife when she bid and made a Grandslam?
You mean a great deal to me

12. Extreme Consistency
"Why can't you be consistent in your play, partner?"
"The only completely consistent people are the dead."

13. All in the Family
“Last week, I stated that my partner was the worst bridge player I have seen. I have since partnered his sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”

14. Lost in Thought 
“I never forget the partners I play with, but in your case I will make an exception.”

15. Payback with Interest
Be awfully nice to your partner when he makes a mistake because you're going to make some yourself.

16. Killing him Softly
If you really have to tell your partner his mistake, it costs nothing to be polite.

17. Knowing the Limits
“My Partner hasn't got the remotest knowledge of how to play bridge, nor the slightest instinct about when to die.”

18. Uncharacteristic
When my partner insulted me, I was tempted to sue him for defamation of character. Then I realised that Bridge Players have no character.

19. Q.E.D
Q: Why do partners always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

20. How’s That Again?
My partner is so stupid that he leads 4th best from a 3-card suit.

21. Quality not Quantity
I get along great with my partner. We had only one argument in 30 years. The problem is that the argument lasted 30 years.

22. Brain Drained 
Aristotle taught that the function of the brain is to cool the blood. This is only true with my partner.

23. As I See it
”I don't have an attitude problem, partner. You have a perception problem.”

24. Breaking the 8-minute Barrier
”My partner plays slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.”

25. Flash in the Pan
My partner’s mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone for the rest of the match.

26. Wasted Sarcasm
“After that play, I'd insult you, partner, but you're not bright enough to notice.”

27. What’s the Point?
The difference between my partner and a cactus is that the plant only has pricks on the outside.

28. Living Hell
First Guy (proudly): "My partner's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

29. Baby Blues
My partner is childish and stubborn. He refuses to play any new system. I can’t change him unless he puts on his nappies.

30. So Long, Pair Well
What do you do if your partner walks out on you?
You shut the door.

31. Facing the Truth
”All my Partners are nasty - they just have different faces, so I can tell them apart.“

32. Daffy-nit-shun : Partner
Partner : A person who took up bridge to make another person miserable.

33. Old Dog, New Tricks
The best way to get your partner to learn a new convention is to suggest he is too old for it.

35. Yah Who?
A man inserted an ad on the internet “Partner wanted".
Next day he received a thousand emails. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

34. How’s That Again?
A good partner always forgives you when he’s wrong.
35. Greener Grass
Playing Bridge with your Partner is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

36. I Think, Therefore He Is
“I think I am a pretty good judge of character; which is why I hate all of my partners.”

37. One Down
“I hate my partner. He is the only reason I support the death penalty.”

38. Survival of the Nittest
It is a pity more partners are not bastards by birth instead of vocation.

39. One-way Street
A happy partnership is a matter of giving and taking.
You give and your partner takes.

40. Double Indemnity
”My Partner has a split personality, and I hate both of them.”

41. Less See, Lassie
“The more I see my partner, the more I admire dogs.”

42. Dead Ringer
“Partners, after a while, become like car alarms. They make a lot of noise no one listens to.”

43. Negative Feedback
“The difference between my partner and a battery is that the battery has a positive side.”

44.Changing Suits
“I know my bridge partner is gay because he keeps on arranging and rearranging his cards.”

45. Gender Bias
“I only hate only 2 types of partners, Men and women.”

46. Crossword Puzzle Answers
Across: 1. DONT 3. ACCEPT 8. PETER 9. UNDER 10. UP 11. ASSURE 13. APPEAL 15. WE 17. INNER 19. CLEAR 20. GOLDEN 21. ASKS
Down: 1. DUPLICATING 2. NOTRUMP 4. CLUBS 5. END 6. THREEHEARTS 7. TRY
11. ALL 12. USELESS 14. AGREE 16. ACE 18. NIL

47. Many Many More Bridge Jokes
For the LARGEST COLLECTION of Bridge jokes & quotes in the WHOLE WORLD (no joke!), visit http://bridgejokes.blogspot.com. These are extracted from past issues of THE GRANDSLAM.
If you also want to read the articles and puzzles as well, visit THE GRANDSLAM archives at http://bridge-newsletter.blogspot.com
Zain Moledina – Editor, December 1st 2007